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Doomed from the very start

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March 17th, 2013 by Molly (Tallahassee, FL)

I had a crush on this guy from church I knew so when his birthday came around I volunteered to hand deliver his card. I was feeling a little icky, but assumed that it was just nerves. He answered the door and seemed pleased to see me and invited me in. He was alone watching some tv movie. He gave me a tour of his apartment and as we were walking around I realized it was not nerves after all. I was thinking I better get the hell out of there. He must have been lonesome because he sort of insisted I stay and watch the movie. I thought, fine, I’ll hit the bathroom and all will be well. I ask if I may and head for the stairs. He says, “there is a bathroom right here, GO ahead”. I was mentally knocking my head into the wall because it was right next to the steps. I had to do it though so I went in, ran the water and prayed for the best. When I came out, he didn’t look like he was suppressing laughter so I thought perhaps I was in the clear. Well, I sat back down and realized this was not over. I stuck it out as long as I could, made an excuse and left. I made it not a block when I had to jump out and puke on the lawn, I could still see his front door. I got a call a few minutes later from a co worker who wanted to know if I also had the stomach flu…. WTF. SO the next day, church boy calls to say hi while walking his dog. He tells me to hand on, and I hear him yelling “NOOOOO don’t eat that”. He comes back and says, “I gotta go, some a-hole puked on the lawn and my dog is eating it”. Doomed.

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